I Am An Island (Jan 2007)

Well, I may have just alienated myself from one of my only friends here in Logan. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I can’t let people get close to me. It’s amazing to me that I was ever able to let somebody get close enough to marry me. I think that because he saw a lot of my crazy early on and didn’t run away, I probably realized that I shouldn’t let him go. I’m trying to think of why I isolate myself and I know some of the root causes, but not all of them. First, I can’t relate to other people because I operate on a different level (that isn’t conceit, it’s just true) and probably in a different way. That led me to develop poor social skills, or none at all. Second, when I was young I had many instances of being hurt by somebody I cared about. I don’t want to blame my social problems on others, but twice in my youth I finally let myself be friends with someone and then moved away (and when you are a young child moving away means that your friendship is over…or at least in my experience it was). When I was very young I would allow myself to get attached to my dad and then he would disappear (this happened multiple times…I’m not angry about it anymore and have forgiven him…I’m even starting to have a relationship with him…I’m just saying that there were lasting effects that came from that experience that are still in operation today). Multiple times I would let somebody in only to find out from another source that they were talking about me behind my back. Third, I have and have always had low self-esteem. This makes it so that when I do find somebody that likes me and that I like, I don’t actually believe that they like me (or that I’m likeable), so I can’t trust them to know the me that is inside. So there I am. I am a rock, I am an island. Luckily I have a husband who loves me despite my crazy and a sister who grew up with my crazy, so I can be real with them. Plus, Jesus knew about my crazy before I was born and He loved me anyway, because of who I really am, not because of anything I do or say.

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